This Stubborn Frenchman is Calling for Reparations

In the zany world of anti-American Biden’s identity politics, one can only conclude that race has merit! That is unless you’re White. Which is why I now choose to rebel, and tell the world about the part of me that counts most. After all, if color is the clincher for being a SCOTUS nominee, then I’m all in on that game.

Granted, I haven’t spent much time in the sun lately, but I compared my skin color to a white sheet of paper this morning. For certain, I’m not white! My skin color is accurately described as light brown. And, of course, that makes sense. I’m not Caucasian, but rather I’m French-American. You see, my parents are both of Canadian descent, Quebec, to be precise. But our skin is a little darker than whites because my family originated in southern France. I tan easily, which should help secure me some higher government position, right? Since I’m a straight shooter and a team player, I do not identify as White any longer. I identify as what I am, a genuine, home-grown, red-blooded, brown-eyed, brown-haired, thick-headed, stubborn French American.

Of course, my skin color isn’t black. But neither is Obama’s skin really Black. It’s just a darker brown. Yet he identifies as Black, and that’s a good thing since it does qualify him for Biden’s SCOTUS pick. Except he’s not female. But nowadays we can’t say that, can we? After all, it’s his choice. He could actually qualify if he identifies as female and Black. People don’t have to be honest anymore like that lady nicknamed Pocahontas, because it’s really no longer about character or credentials; it’s about choice. So if Obama or Kamala can choose to identify as a Black female, that makes them somebody very important.

I’m still learning how to game this new system called the “New Normal.” You see, being French American does have its disadvantages. How many times have you cussed up a storm, and then apologized by saying, “Excuse my French.” I now have a right to take offense. Whatever that expression means, it has to be a racist comment that is directly intended to denigrate me and all of my ancestors as far back as I can remember. And you know what that means: reparations. I deserve money from all you non-French Americans who have attacked my people for centuries because of your inability to control your tongue. Don’t think I’m not aware of your intent to deprive me of success in the world by such a bigoted comment. In fact, that’s probably the reason my kind can’t be more successful. We’ve been called stubborn Frenchmen for so long, we actually believe it. But just because you can’t understand the French language doesn’t mean you have to equate it with cussing. I have every right to be offended.

And don’t think I’ve forgotten how the French came to the rescue of the feeble American colonists who only wanted to use us for our military strength. That was a pretty shallow move, and I’m significantly scarred by it. More reparations are due for that one. There’s only one way we could have been tricked into helping you fight your war against the Brits, and that’s by taking advantage of our thickheadedness, knowing full well that we’d never back down once you put the idea into our heads. While we’re on that topic, let me also clarify. I’m not really thickheaded. I’m just tenaciously true to my convictions. There’s a difference.

So if we’re going to play the race card time and again, all I’m asking for is a decent hand in the game. I’ve already suffered enough oppression in my life, and since freedom has cost me so much, I’m inclined to ask for a little government assistance. Especially since my skin color and biological sex do not entitle me to a chance for a SCOTUS nomination or probably any other highfaluting government position. I’m tired of being regarded as a foul-mouthed, dense-skulled, race of the wrong shade of brown. This is not a selfish request, as it potentially affects some 10.5 million US residents who rightfully declare French ancestry. This is a significant percentage of the American population, and by Biden’s standards, we should be recognized. We demand representation!

I am confident that the entire Democrat Party will sympathize with my righteous identity plight, but I still worry that a picture of Napoleon is taking shape in the mind of those reading this petition for justice. Please remember that Napoleon kept his hand tucked in his shirt for a reason. (I think it was vitiligo.) Anyways, I hope my racial concerns have not fallen on deaf ears. If it helps, I can always spend more time outdoors in the bright sunshine. I do have some medical knowledge and understand that those pigment cells in the skin can be encouraged to proliferate. I hope you don’t consider that stacking the deck.

Well, I’d better quit while I’m behind. If I say anymore, the FBI might attack my home and make me “French toast!”